I am finding that drawing representations of these awful words to be a type of exorcism. Statements such as, “No man could ever love you,” a story written about me long ago, “There’s a monster in our midst,” and a more recent, particularly cruel comment, “Your life has been a series of bad decisions” should never have been spoken or written. But they were and my mind has them in a steel trap. Only I am the one hobbled. My guess is that the people who said these things, people who had influence over me, had no idea how harmful these statements were. I even imagine they do not recall saying or writing them. But I remember.
Who is harmed when I replay these? Only me. It hurts me and it impacts how I feel about these people. If I let their words, then or now, change how I see myself, fall into despair that I am not strong or amazing, or it limits what I believe is possible, that is on me. They are responsible for their words and I am responsible for what I do with them.
Letting these words go is not easy. It is not simply shouting to the universe, “I no longer allow these words to hurt me!” Poof, gone. No, if it were easy, none of us would get stuck. Holding onto hurtful things is not unique to me. Having people say awful things is not unique to me. But each of us has to learn how to release the vitriol spit in our direction.
I am excavating words and actions that have insidiously worked their way into my view of myself. Words that have warped how I see myself. Words that have influenced my decisions and created more suffering. Finding ways to let these words go is painful but if I don’t keep moving through this I might inadvertently milk those old moments and feed my despair. This does not make me weak or bad. But as I become more conscious of this, I am aware of my power to choose. And what will I do? What am I doing? Drawing. Writing. Talking about it. Working my way not only through what was said, but feeling the pain, understanding how these words have reverberated and shaped who I am, and then finding ways to release myself from their hold. This is how I am transforming myself.
My current plan is to get it all out. Release it on paper, through essays, through color, through memoir, and find ways to counter old beliefs and reshape the stories I tell myself. I don’t need to outrun or prove people wrong. The only thing that will truly help is getting to know myself better, loving myself, having compassion for myself and the battles I have fought, and figuring out what I really want regardless of what others think. I am amazing and special just as I am in my imperfection. And, maybe in this process, I can help others find their own way.
